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I feel like I am stuck in a self-judgmental loop. The more I try gratitude practices the more negative stuff surfaces. I guess that should mean it is working but it certainly doesn't feel like it. And once the negative talk starts it is hard to get it to turn off. And it doesn't help getting little sleep and constantly going, going, going lately. I'm bringing in money every day, all day, but the constant grind is starting to impact me. I'm balancing applying for jobs, looking for a new place to live, doing odd jobs for cash, qualifying for potential jobs in the works, doing what I really want to do with my life (write/art), sharing to assist others, cleaning up cat puke, maintaining the apartment, cooking food, getting to relax, figuring in a shower, actually eating the food I make, drinking enough water, adding it a couple stretches, walking the dog and rinse and repeat.
I'm not making a lot of money but I'll make a few hundred this month without an official “job” so I am grateful for that. It's more than the last month out of work, which was nothing coming in. I'm not playing video games anymore and I haven't watched binge-watched a show in Netflix. I am constantly doing something with the intention of earning money or hoping to earn money. I am grateful for my perserverance and stamina at this time, as well as my willpower and a drive I never knew I had before. I guess I should be grateful for all this, and I am, I just don't know where to go from here. How do I stop being so negative to myself? How do I really appreciate who I am and what I can do? How do I appreciate the experiences I am having right now and trust in the benevolent nature of the Universe? Hoping for change isn't a great thing either because it means I am not happy where I am right now. I can be positive towards the future but I have to be okay with where I am right now. There are an infinite number of ways to do this journey, and many spiritual leaders tell us to get okay with our situation, to work towards the future we want, to believe, to trust....it all feels like a circle, a hamster wheel, constantly chasing the carrot of 'something else' even though we're supposed to be able to have our cake and eat it too.
I'm probably not making any sense and I won't edit this so it is what it is. I feel that gratitude shouldn't be a chore or a reminder. I guess my next step is to figure out what it should be and how it can just 'be' a part of me. I don't want to have to remember to be grateful and I don't want to have to try to be grateful. As our thoughts change so does our mood, and today I may have taken a hot shower but I don't feel anything special for it. I have a lot to do and only 24 hours a day to do it. I am going to work on treating myself better, not giving myself such a hard time, and consciously changing the negative chatter in my brain when I catch it....that might be a full-time job in and of itself right now.
Loops are fun only for short periods of time. I'll find my way out of this loop and off the roller coaster. If anything we'll see where the journey takes me.
In gratitude, Elizabeth
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